3 months down

Wow! I seriously cannot believe it's been three months since we said goodbye to each other
 (disclaimer: The official three month mark is next week but I'm already saying he's been gone three months.)
where did the time go? Because it sure hasn't trudged on by, it just literally flew. Maybe it was my attitude towards the situation but whatever.
      Not to say I haven't cried, or seriously missed him. Because I have done all that.  I've broken down some nights and cried myself to sleep.  But you know what? Those are the nights that for some reason bring me the most peace. The last time I cried myself to sleep, it felt like Trent was there with me, holding me, telling me it would be ok, that we'd make it through this, together.  His letters have brought me a lot of comfort, knowing he's ok.
      I'd have to say the biggest battle I have to fight right now is my depression.  I haven't ever been actually diagnosed with it, but my Mom has had it and in telling her some of my symptoms she says I probably have something.  The problem is, this stuff, it inhibits me from doing what I should and want to do.  I lose interest in things easily, and i"m always tired.  It was a fight to get out of bed since Trent left.  The thing is, I know Trent is not the only cause to this, him being gone might play some role or another, on top of everything else I've struggled with.
      I know I'm strong, but this stuff makes me feel weak and worthless, as well as numb to the world around me.  To my friends, family, and even Trent.  I've struggled over the last few weeks knowing if I've made the right decision, or if I truly do love him.  Which is a constant battle in my head because I KNOW I DO.  I've had feelings, impressions, he's had all kinds of experiences as well, and we're pretty sure we're supposed to be together.  And in fact, I can't imagine my life without him in it. I think part of the problem is having him gone, and not being able to have that reminder he is there for me and we care about each other on a regular basis.  Maybe this is my trial, to not only learn how to trust myself and to get better emotionally,  but to be able to know about something without it being there all the time.
      Needless to say, I'm determined to make everything better in my life and learn the lessons I'm supposed to learn over the next 21 months.  I have no idea where I'm at and I seriously hope I haven't fallen behind Trent, because nothing would devastate me more.  I guess the one thing I need to remember is to keep Heavenly Father's kingdom as my focus point, and He'll make everything work out in the end.
      That is definitely one thing about Trent that I love the most, he has helped me to see how to become a better person.  He brought me back to life, and last summer when we were together, I was able to catch a glimpse of who the real Jennifer is.  And that has made me even more determined to bring that person back, and make the real me the person everyone can know.  I'm done hurting, and struggling emotionally. Not only does Trent deserve better, but so do my future children.  Not to mention me.  I deserve to live my life carefree without the emotional chains holding me down.
     Three months down. 21 to go. Who I'm going to become? Well, that's up to me, the Lord, and hard work. But I can do it. :)








Update about Trent:        He just got his release date.  It's September 24th, 2014!!! I'm so very happy to hear that.  Gives me a deadline to work towards, although school will take up a majority of that. haha. He's doing good, still loving his companion, they actually went and bought Nerf Guns and will shoot each other randomly with them. lol. And his companion Elder Asher wrote to me and told me he's a horrible shot.  So I guess I should get my target practice started. haha.
Also got a picture from him, this one is my favorite.  Just Trent being the silly guy that I love to pieces.

Unicorn Helmet Man! Lol, I don't get him sometimes.  He's so crazy.  What a Guy

According to him: This picture he decided to prank his companion when he fell asleep during companionship study.  Guess Elder Asher learned never to do that again did he? Lol.

The blonde moment of blonde moments....

So, while my haircolor is a mix between brunette and blonde, I'm not a strict bright blonde.  For which, I'm grateful I mean, I really like my natural hair color even though I do dye it with the occasional highlights. (IDK, maybe it's killing my brain cells....)   Anyway, I came home from work last friday to find a package addressed to me and inside it held two tapes and a letter. :D  I was so stinking excited because that means I get to hear his voice once again.
            On the flip side of things I felt that the third tape I was currently working on was pretty good and had a lot of fun stuff he could listen to when i send it to him, whenever it's done.
             So, I went to my room, read his letter then listened to the first tape and it was awesome, I love hearing his voice, laugh and hearing him interact with his companion.  It was nice, took a little over an hour to listen to the whole thing, and I decided to go back to my tape and record some of my thoughts about the letter and the tape.  So I put in the other tape and start recording.  Only to stop suddenly because I thought one of my roommates was hollering for me.  So I stopped it, listened, it was nothing so I went to go back recording and only pushed play instead of play and record at the same time.  Suddenly his voice was coming out of the recorder and it hit me.
              I had recorded over nearly HALF of the FIRST tape he ever sent me.  So the stories, his experiences etc.  Gone.  Because somehow I mixed his tape up with the new one I meant to record on.  I instantly stopped it, my heart in my throat because.... there was literally no going back and I was seriously on the verge of tears.  I mean, come on! I already am doing this whole two years thing the least I should be able to do is tell the difference between his tape and mine.  In fact, I should have just put his tape away.  I felt so sick in that instant because I was sure he wanted it too for later referance to listen to for fun. I don't know. But he might.

As I went to bed that night I looked up at my "Trent Wall" which is closer to a shrine than anything.  Here's a pic for you:

It's since been updated with new pictures and such but anyway: back to the story

I looked up at the wall which I do every night and I just thought about how stupid I had been and it upset me so much.  But then the thought came to mind: It'll be fine. Trent will probably not even care but instead will get a huge kick out of it instead.  And so, I made lemonade from those stupid lemons that I grew.  I recorded him a NEW tape.  And the fun part is I recorded over one whole tape in an hour.  So, I think what he'll get from it is a lot better than what he was originally going to get.  I even sang on the stupid thing.  (Side note: He asked me too because he says he misses hearing me sing.  And I LOVE to sing.  Am I any good? Not really, but he loves it anyway.)  I was so embarrassed too! Geez, it was weird.  he didn't get a ton either and I'm sure as soon as he get's the tape he'll ask for more.  lol 

Now, looking down the road I can see us listening to that tape I ruined and just getting a kick out of it because first it'll be me talking, and then BAM! It'll suddenly be his voice.  Haha. Oh well. What can I say? I'm kind of a blonde sometimes. :)