(disclaimer: The official three month mark is next week but I'm already saying he's been gone three months.)
where did the time go? Because it sure hasn't trudged on by, it just literally flew. Maybe it was my attitude towards the situation but whatever.
Not to say I haven't cried, or seriously missed him. Because I have done all that. I've broken down some nights and cried myself to sleep. But you know what? Those are the nights that for some reason bring me the most peace. The last time I cried myself to sleep, it felt like Trent was there with me, holding me, telling me it would be ok, that we'd make it through this, together. His letters have brought me a lot of comfort, knowing he's ok.
I'd have to say the biggest battle I have to fight right now is my depression. I haven't ever been actually diagnosed with it, but my Mom has had it and in telling her some of my symptoms she says I probably have something. The problem is, this stuff, it inhibits me from doing what I should and want to do. I lose interest in things easily, and i"m always tired. It was a fight to get out of bed since Trent left. The thing is, I know Trent is not the only cause to this, him being gone might play some role or another, on top of everything else I've struggled with.
I know I'm strong, but this stuff makes me feel weak and worthless, as well as numb to the world around me. To my friends, family, and even Trent. I've struggled over the last few weeks knowing if I've made the right decision, or if I truly do love him. Which is a constant battle in my head because I KNOW I DO. I've had feelings, impressions, he's had all kinds of experiences as well, and we're pretty sure we're supposed to be together. And in fact, I can't imagine my life without him in it. I think part of the problem is having him gone, and not being able to have that reminder he is there for me and we care about each other on a regular basis. Maybe this is my trial, to not only learn how to trust myself and to get better emotionally, but to be able to know about something without it being there all the time.
Needless to say, I'm determined to make everything better in my life and learn the lessons I'm supposed to learn over the next 21 months. I have no idea where I'm at and I seriously hope I haven't fallen behind Trent, because nothing would devastate me more. I guess the one thing I need to remember is to keep Heavenly Father's kingdom as my focus point, and He'll make everything work out in the end.
That is definitely one thing about Trent that I love the most, he has helped me to see how to become a better person. He brought me back to life, and last summer when we were together, I was able to catch a glimpse of who the real Jennifer is. And that has made me even more determined to bring that person back, and make the real me the person everyone can know. I'm done hurting, and struggling emotionally. Not only does Trent deserve better, but so do my future children. Not to mention me. I deserve to live my life carefree without the emotional chains holding me down.
Three months down. 21 to go. Who I'm going to become? Well, that's up to me, the Lord, and hard work. But I can do it. :)
Update about Trent: He just got his release date. It's September 24th, 2014!!! I'm so very happy to hear that. Gives me a deadline to work towards, although school will take up a majority of that. haha. He's doing good, still loving his companion, they actually went and bought Nerf Guns and will shoot each other randomly with them. lol. And his companion Elder Asher wrote to me and told me he's a horrible shot. So I guess I should get my target practice started. haha.
Also got a picture from him, this one is my favorite. Just Trent being the silly guy that I love to pieces.
Unicorn Helmet Man! Lol, I don't get him sometimes. He's so crazy. What a Guy
According to him: This picture he decided to prank his companion when he fell asleep during companionship study. Guess Elder Asher learned never to do that again did he? Lol.
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