Trent is being allowed to stay on his mission.
I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the text his mom and forwarded to me that he had sent her. (First of all it was nice to have a real text from him again) but I was so super ecstatic when I read the text. I literally couldn't believe what I was seeing. After 5 long days of little sleep and worry wishing this nightmare could be over, it was. And he wasn't coming home. I wondered for the first several hours if I was dreaming, but the text was (and is) still in my phone.
To tell you the truth, this past week has felt like a really interesting dream, one of those things that starts off really nasty and you're wondering when you're going to get out of it but it still ended happy. But knowing that he wouldn't have to come home took such a burden off of my shoulders that I hadn't realized had been there. It kind of settled there when his mom called me a week ago to tell me the news, and it got heavier when I realized that he needed me more than ever and if he was to come home that I'd have a huge role to play. I'd have to be stronger than I was now, and frankly, that scared me. I struggle with moderate depression, and the mission has already been rough at parts in staying strong. But at the same time I've been blessed with a busy schedule to keep me distracted while he is gone and frankly, it's helped pass the time. But I've really had to pull my strength out of my dusty locked box in order to get through some days. And when I found out he could be coming home, I questioned whether I could be strong enough for the both of us. There were so many unknowns facing me and so many questions that were going unanswered.
The only answer I kept getting was that everything will be ok, and everything will be worked out.
It didn't keep me from worrying though. And his e-mail on monday helped calm me down a bit, but I was still really worried because we had no indication of what direction the decision would go. And so I tried to allow myself to imagine him home. And for some reason, I didn't like the idea. I saw him and us struggling, me having to be the strong one of the two of us, encouraging him to try and go back. And I didn't like the idea of what I had to do.
Unfortunately, I told the Lord this, probably wasn't the best choice I made, but I felt like I needed to tell Him exactly how I was feeling, my fears and worries about all of this. I spent several nights in my room crying, wondering what would happen. Wondering what I had done with my life over the past 6 months. And as I analyzed myself, I realized I really didn't feel like I'd done much to progress. Sure, I've gone to school, I've worked, taken the first half of my certification tests (which I passed btw. YAY!) tried to fulfill my calling without stressing out, I got my depression diagnosed and have been trying to get a handle on it. But the stuff that really matters: Temple attendance, constant scripture study, daily prayers, preparing myself for the temple, budgeting.... I'd allowed that stuff to sit on the back burner and I had told myself "I have 18 months to get on top of it." And realizing I had to be on top of it now. I realized I wasn't ready to have him home. Not that I wouldn't want him home, or be there for him when and if he came home. But I still have a lot I need to do.
In the process of this waiting, I prayed that what the Lord wanted would be done, because I know from past experiences that the Lord has a plan that is sometimes different from our own. And trusting the Lord to let that plan to be fulfilled, it wasn't easy, but it was what I needed to do. And I knew that.
So, when I got his text on Wednesday, I felt so relieved, and I knew that our Heavenly Father needed him out in the field right now, and I also knew that he knew our hearts and that Trent hadn't gone out into the field maliciously not taking care of past problems.
In reflecting back now I've realized that this was something to help me to grow as well. It also brought me to know that while I miss him, I truly don't want him here right now. He is supposed to be out serving the Lord and the People of San Fernando California. But I never thought that something that I thought was meant for one person, could help me to learn and grow as well. Or at least snap me back into reality. The five days we sat waiting I feel brought Trent and I closer together, and it really was a good experience that I gained in learning to stand by someone even when things get ugly or scary. Married life is not going to be easy for either of us and right now, I'm learning things that I hope will transfer over into our marraige.
So, all in all, it ended well. But the Lord knows how to teach people the little things that need to be happening. Life is a constant progression, and we are constantly learning and enduring, and figuring out who we are as individuals. I still have a long way to go, but I hope that I can gain the knowledge that I need to keep myself going.
Lastly:
Happy 6 months (almost) to us! I love this boy so much. Here's to the next 18 months of waiting. I know we can do it, and that it'll go by quickly, so I really need to figure out my life and get my head on straight if I want to be ready for when he comes home. :)
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