3 months down

Wow! I seriously cannot believe it's been three months since we said goodbye to each other
 (disclaimer: The official three month mark is next week but I'm already saying he's been gone three months.)
where did the time go? Because it sure hasn't trudged on by, it just literally flew. Maybe it was my attitude towards the situation but whatever.
      Not to say I haven't cried, or seriously missed him. Because I have done all that.  I've broken down some nights and cried myself to sleep.  But you know what? Those are the nights that for some reason bring me the most peace. The last time I cried myself to sleep, it felt like Trent was there with me, holding me, telling me it would be ok, that we'd make it through this, together.  His letters have brought me a lot of comfort, knowing he's ok.
      I'd have to say the biggest battle I have to fight right now is my depression.  I haven't ever been actually diagnosed with it, but my Mom has had it and in telling her some of my symptoms she says I probably have something.  The problem is, this stuff, it inhibits me from doing what I should and want to do.  I lose interest in things easily, and i"m always tired.  It was a fight to get out of bed since Trent left.  The thing is, I know Trent is not the only cause to this, him being gone might play some role or another, on top of everything else I've struggled with.
      I know I'm strong, but this stuff makes me feel weak and worthless, as well as numb to the world around me.  To my friends, family, and even Trent.  I've struggled over the last few weeks knowing if I've made the right decision, or if I truly do love him.  Which is a constant battle in my head because I KNOW I DO.  I've had feelings, impressions, he's had all kinds of experiences as well, and we're pretty sure we're supposed to be together.  And in fact, I can't imagine my life without him in it. I think part of the problem is having him gone, and not being able to have that reminder he is there for me and we care about each other on a regular basis.  Maybe this is my trial, to not only learn how to trust myself and to get better emotionally,  but to be able to know about something without it being there all the time.
      Needless to say, I'm determined to make everything better in my life and learn the lessons I'm supposed to learn over the next 21 months.  I have no idea where I'm at and I seriously hope I haven't fallen behind Trent, because nothing would devastate me more.  I guess the one thing I need to remember is to keep Heavenly Father's kingdom as my focus point, and He'll make everything work out in the end.
      That is definitely one thing about Trent that I love the most, he has helped me to see how to become a better person.  He brought me back to life, and last summer when we were together, I was able to catch a glimpse of who the real Jennifer is.  And that has made me even more determined to bring that person back, and make the real me the person everyone can know.  I'm done hurting, and struggling emotionally. Not only does Trent deserve better, but so do my future children.  Not to mention me.  I deserve to live my life carefree without the emotional chains holding me down.
     Three months down. 21 to go. Who I'm going to become? Well, that's up to me, the Lord, and hard work. But I can do it. :)








Update about Trent:        He just got his release date.  It's September 24th, 2014!!! I'm so very happy to hear that.  Gives me a deadline to work towards, although school will take up a majority of that. haha. He's doing good, still loving his companion, they actually went and bought Nerf Guns and will shoot each other randomly with them. lol. And his companion Elder Asher wrote to me and told me he's a horrible shot.  So I guess I should get my target practice started. haha.
Also got a picture from him, this one is my favorite.  Just Trent being the silly guy that I love to pieces.

Unicorn Helmet Man! Lol, I don't get him sometimes.  He's so crazy.  What a Guy

According to him: This picture he decided to prank his companion when he fell asleep during companionship study.  Guess Elder Asher learned never to do that again did he? Lol.

The blonde moment of blonde moments....

So, while my haircolor is a mix between brunette and blonde, I'm not a strict bright blonde.  For which, I'm grateful I mean, I really like my natural hair color even though I do dye it with the occasional highlights. (IDK, maybe it's killing my brain cells....)   Anyway, I came home from work last friday to find a package addressed to me and inside it held two tapes and a letter. :D  I was so stinking excited because that means I get to hear his voice once again.
            On the flip side of things I felt that the third tape I was currently working on was pretty good and had a lot of fun stuff he could listen to when i send it to him, whenever it's done.
             So, I went to my room, read his letter then listened to the first tape and it was awesome, I love hearing his voice, laugh and hearing him interact with his companion.  It was nice, took a little over an hour to listen to the whole thing, and I decided to go back to my tape and record some of my thoughts about the letter and the tape.  So I put in the other tape and start recording.  Only to stop suddenly because I thought one of my roommates was hollering for me.  So I stopped it, listened, it was nothing so I went to go back recording and only pushed play instead of play and record at the same time.  Suddenly his voice was coming out of the recorder and it hit me.
              I had recorded over nearly HALF of the FIRST tape he ever sent me.  So the stories, his experiences etc.  Gone.  Because somehow I mixed his tape up with the new one I meant to record on.  I instantly stopped it, my heart in my throat because.... there was literally no going back and I was seriously on the verge of tears.  I mean, come on! I already am doing this whole two years thing the least I should be able to do is tell the difference between his tape and mine.  In fact, I should have just put his tape away.  I felt so sick in that instant because I was sure he wanted it too for later referance to listen to for fun. I don't know. But he might.

As I went to bed that night I looked up at my "Trent Wall" which is closer to a shrine than anything.  Here's a pic for you:

It's since been updated with new pictures and such but anyway: back to the story

I looked up at the wall which I do every night and I just thought about how stupid I had been and it upset me so much.  But then the thought came to mind: It'll be fine. Trent will probably not even care but instead will get a huge kick out of it instead.  And so, I made lemonade from those stupid lemons that I grew.  I recorded him a NEW tape.  And the fun part is I recorded over one whole tape in an hour.  So, I think what he'll get from it is a lot better than what he was originally going to get.  I even sang on the stupid thing.  (Side note: He asked me too because he says he misses hearing me sing.  And I LOVE to sing.  Am I any good? Not really, but he loves it anyway.)  I was so embarrassed too! Geez, it was weird.  he didn't get a ton either and I'm sure as soon as he get's the tape he'll ask for more.  lol 

Now, looking down the road I can see us listening to that tape I ruined and just getting a kick out of it because first it'll be me talking, and then BAM! It'll suddenly be his voice.  Haha. Oh well. What can I say? I'm kind of a blonde sometimes. :)

Big Day!!!

Ok, so as many of you probably know I'm currently studying Sign Language interpreting at UVU.  And it's fun. There are up days and down days. Just depends on the week/day/hour/second. lol  In fact, I've been considering changing my major slightly so I can get done sooner. (Mainly because I've been here for nearly four years and this is getting old.

          But anyway!! I was talking about interpreting.  It's a great career opportunity and I love to sign.  I talk and sign at the same time and sometimes it really bothers people.  But I often find it more expressive than english.  It becomes tough though when you're doing both and you do a sign to express your meaning and you get this blank stare because that person has no clue what you're saying.  So you frantically start thinking of the english word that can sort of go with it. haha, totally fun.

 But, I really do look forward to being an interpreter.  The pay is good, it something I enjoy doing.  But I'm not certified yet, which means I can't legally interpret anywhere except in very specific volunteer situations.  For instance, I go home to my parents stake and interpret for a husband and wife for their stake conference twice a year.  The husband can still hear a little bit and can speak pretty well, but uses ASL to communicate. Now, there are multiple ways of interpreting.  The one that I do in my hometown is called simultaneous and/or spoken to signed interpretation.  Which basically means I put into ASL what is spoken at the pulpit.  It's fun, and exhilarating.  But sometimes it's SO EXHAUSTING.  I'm not kidding.  I've learned that I need to be well rested and not worn out prior to an interpreting assignment, or my skills go down drastically.
   There's also what is called sign to voice, which means I watch someone sign a message and then speak it in English.  And it's harder than it sounds because ASL has a different grammatical structure than English, and they also have a different way of wording things.  They also don't have words like the, it, &etc.  (They do have and and 'if' but that's more used as 'hypothetically')  Anyway,  sign to voice has terrified me for the longest time.  Mainly because I can sit and chat with someone or sit through a classroom lecture in ASL and understand it, but that doesn't mean I can translate it to English.
    My dad has seemed kind of frustrated at me because it really is difficult to explain.  I've been signing for a little over five years now and I feel have some fairly decent skills. I can communicate and understand, but that doesn't mean I can explain what's going on.  That takes a lot of work because there's a lot of skill involved.
    Anyway! To my point. (finally) The Deaf Studies department puts on this day long conference about oppression every year for the last three years or so.  It's a great conference and you can go to learn form a bunch of other things and hopefully can understand different peoples opinions about stuff.  Well this year, they were a little low on volunteers for interpreters, and at first I thought it would be a great idea, get some good practice in there, and I didn't need to be certified.  But then I quickly chickened out, because 1. it terrifies me, especially in an auditorium full of people that are hearing, who knows who may or may not know sign language and 2. because I felt like I didn't have enough practice/skill to do it.  So I figured I would do it the next year and this year I'd just sit back. Well, it kept nagging at me, and there were constant posts on facebook begging for volunteers.  And then my dear friend who I've known since my first year here informs me she's doing a presentation on Epilepsy and Neurological disorders and asks me to interpret for her because she'd feel a lot more comfortable doing it if I was her voice so to speak.  Anyway, I told her I'd contact the guy and then the next day got busy and proceeded to forget about it only to have one of my classmates give me the guys number and saying he needed my help and to contact him.  So I did, and I got scheduled to interpret for two presentations that would be about 30 minutes long.  I figure there was some type of reason for me to do this because all the signs pointed to me doing it and so I went along with it.  I sat down with both presenters and prepared for a job that I assumed would end up being mediocre at best.

The conference was today.  And according to the certified interpreters I teamed with (they have people interpret in teams to make sure you get a clear interpretation and if you're doing spoken to signed so you can rest,  the average person can only interpret for maybe 20 minutes before the fear of exhaustion and injury can happen.) I rocked it!!!!  The entire time I was voicing for my friend the interpreter to my right kept saying "you got this" "great job" "great word choice".  As did the other guy keep saying that I did well. And the first interpreter is nationally certified, which means shes REALLY GOOD.  The main reason they kept doing that is because my friend isn't a native signer so it's often more difficult to interpret those presentations becaues of the way the signing goes.   I even had another interpreter who's been doing it for 20 years come up and tell me I did great.

Yeah, I'm kind of on cloud nine right now.  :) I just wish I could tell Trent sooner than an e-mail or a letter would.  But oh well.  I'll get certified and then he can be super proud of me. :)   Sorry that my posts are novels, I just have so much to say sometimes.  :D

God gave me you

"I've been a walking heartache, I've made a mess of me, the person I've been lately ain't who I wanna be...."

I know in a couple of years (and maybe even now) it's cliche to have Blake Shelton's song "God gave me you" as your quote on quote "song".  But with Trent and myself, this song holds a lot of meaning for both of us, and we truly believe that God played a role in bringing us together.  That's something I'm eternally grateful for because he has brought so much happiness into my life.  I actually sent him the link to this song via youtube the day he flew home from visiting me last June.  My life has never been the same since that weekend, and both of us know it.  Not to mention, like the first sentence of the song says really applies to us because we both have struggled through the years.
         For instance, when I was 18, newly graduated from High School and had barely started my freshman semester I met a young man who convinced me he was what I needed.  I had no confidence in myself and desperately wanted my happily ever after so I believed him.  But what I thought was my fairy tale ending turned quickly into a nightmare as my then fiancee started becoming heavily emotionally, psychologically, verbally and even sexually abusive to me.  I was able to get away, sort of, due to the help of my parents. But I didn't completely end things until about four-five months when we had an argument and I realized how messed up this situation was.  But the after affects of the abuse still stuck to me, not to mention there were other things that came into play that didn't help my emotional state.  But I no longer believed in myself and I struggled to trust people, especially men.  To this day I can quickly become nervous and uncomfortable around them.  And it's taken a lot of therapy to get me to the point I'm at now.  But there was a lot of points where I could have just walked away from everything I knew.  Gave up on everyone, but I knew that the gospel was true, and I started on a path to figure out for myself what my testimony was.
           Trent on the other hand wasn't raised LDS.  His parents divorced when he was three and he's had a lot of things to work through in his life.  He's made huge mistakes that he regrets but through the gospel has been able to find the peace of mind that comes from repentance and the love of our Savior Jesus Christ.
      I very much remember the night I told him about what had happened my freshman year, and that same night he told me of some of the things that he'd been through as well.  Looking at him now, it's hard to see him as the person he described to me that night.  He has really changed and become the man he needs to be, and I feel the mission will help with that as well.  But Trent has told me, that what I told him that night instead of chasing him off as it had some men only made him love me more because it helped him to see who I truly was and who I had become through my trials.
     Needless to say, we have been able to be there for each other since then.  He is truly the person I can laugh, cry, vent, or just be myself with.  I've cried to him countless times over the phone when some days just became too hard to think through it all.  He also has been so patient with me when I have questioned his motives and mis-interpreted them as something else because of my emotional problems that occasionally pop up.

    The last thing I want to say, is to relate to what I said at the beginning that we feel that Heavenly Father played a role in bringing us together.  Here are some of the reasons why we believe that:

1. I mentioned in my first post that Trent is good friends with my brother-in-law Scott, and that Scott met Trent near the end of his mission in Columbus Ohio.  What I didn't mention is that Scott and Trent met ONCE the entirety of Scott's mission, and it was right at the very end.  Scott didn't convert him, didn't get a lot of time to know him they just happened to hit it off.  Which I suppose is understandable since Scott is very easy to get along with, and their personalities are the same.  But they weren't buddies, and Trent to this day isn't entirely sure why he decided to call Scott the weekend he came to Salt Lake.  He has several friends in the area, but for some reason he felt to contact Scott.

2. When he came to Salt Lake the weekend I met him, that wasn't planned.  He was driving semi's across country and had some mechanical problems in Utah of all places, and they were near the Salt Lake stop so he stopped there for repairs.  That's when he called Scott and asked if he could spend time with him and have someone to go to church with.

3. I wasn't planning on coming home that Sunday.  I was dating someone else and we had gone to his place for dinner or something but his parents weren't doing anything so Tyler (my boyfriend) suggested we go to my parent's place and visit with them.  We knew Scott was going to be there anyway, and we were all High School friends.  Normally, I would have suggested we stay at his place and do something else because I was tired of being at home so much, but instead I agreed with him.

4. We hardly talked to each other while he was there. And then promptly forgot about each other after he had left.  I didn't have a facebook account, and he gave up after trying to find me.  Six months later though, before my sister and Scott were married he found me and added me on facebook. I normally don't accept friend requests of people I don't know very well, but for some reason I did.

I truly love this man, he makes my world complete, he is my support when I am down, and loves me like no tomorrow.

Things I've learned after one month as an "MG"

Ok, now I am by all means no expert in this. Nor am I saying this is exactly what everyone needs to know because I recognize that everyone is different.  But these are the few things that have occurred to me over the last four weeks since Trent left.

1. Sincere, daily scripture study:
            I have never been good at this, and it is something I need to get into the habit of, and I'm currently working on it.  And even then, it can't be half-hearted, or hurried.  You literally need to set aside the time to do it and then actually do it.  I used to roll my eyes at people that said "Get up a half hour earlier if you need to. Or stay up fifteen minutes later."  But unfortunately that is my advice to anyone these days as well.  Find a time that is best for you, where you can't be interrupted, and where you can feel the Spirit and recieve personal revelation.  I find mine is at 6 A.M.  because my roommates aren't awake yet, and my apartment is quiet and peaceful.  I also find that studying something other than just reading helps as well. I'm currently working my way through "Preach my Gospel" and reading the Book of Mormon or Conference talks on the side.  I eventually want to work my way through all the Standard works, as well as seriously study a few things as well.  Even if you end up having just fifteen minutes, just reading a chapter from the scriptures can really influence your day.  But you cannot be distracted.  And in all reality, there is no harm in trying to understand everything the Gospel has.  My missionary is out there learning and growing, so I should as well. (Not to mention, I think it will REALLY help with motherhood down the road.)

2. Stay busy:
             Everyone says this, and while it can be tough it's true.  Make sure you have stuff to keep you going through the day and the week.  It will help the time fly by.  For instance, I'm currently in school and have classwork to do.  Some days as I take off my make up to go to bed it feels like I just put it on. Crazy!

3. Take time for yourself:
              This is in relation to #2.  There are days when I just really miss him and it sucks having him gone.  Those are days when I really do need to allow myself to mourn so to speak.   I'll cry, write letters to him in a separate journal, look through my pictures of him/us, listen to our music.  And just let the time pass by spending time on Facebook, Pinterest, or watching a movie.  One thing I am currently working on though and actually recommend is have a time limit for yourself.  Say, one maybe two hours and then go back to doing something productive, or do something to take your mind off of it.  Dwelling on the fact he's gone is not going to bring him back faster, it will only slow time down. :) (Once again, something I'm working on.)

4. Take the time to get ready in the morning:
                 I can't tell you how much this will make my day fundamentally better.  Taking the time to pretty yourself up while getting ready in the morning will do wonders.  Especially if you're tired or sad.  It makes you feel more confident, and it reminds you as to why you have a guy out there who loves you.  'Cause you're beautiful!!!! (I also like to turn up some fun music to get me singing and dancing, that will completely improve my mood as well.)

5. Be clean:
              I am a messy person by trade.  Ask my family or any of my roommates past and present.  One thing my dad pointed out to me though is that in decluttering, doing laundry, putting stuff away when you're done with it, and just cleaning up after yourself, not only can make you feel better but it allows the spirit to be with you more.  Which is especially needed during this time because I feel the adversary really likes to work on us girls. It doesn't have to be a huge project. Just a little at a time.  For instance: While you're waiting for your laundry to get done, organize your drawers and give everything a place.  Also, this can be a good time to get rid of stuff you're not wearing.

6. Cut back on media:
               This might vary from person to person, but I am finding this helps to improve my mood.  I'm addicted to movies, I wont lie, I enjoy them. A lot.  It's also my wall I can hide behind when I don't want to face the world and believe me, it's been a bad habit for too long.  I had like 5-6 different T.V. shows I was following and a million other movies I HAD to go and see before my boy left.  My advice, is there an absence of the spirit after you watch these things?  I've felt a million times better since clearing my schedule of my tv shows and must see movies.  Not to mention, it's given me a ton more time to focus on other things.

Sorry to sound so preachy, especially since Trent hasn't been gone that long.  These are just a few things that I feel can really help us go from day to day.  These have helped me, and it might not be what we need to become the woman our missionary needs. But it's definitely a start.

"Inch by inch, life's a cinch.  Yard by yard, life is hard."
:)
           

Scripture study, music and e-mails

So, today was once again one of those days that I kept pushing back my alarm because I just didn't want to get out of bed.  This would be fine if it wasn't midterms right now.  In fact I should be working on a homework assignment, but I wanted to get this written out before I do that. Plus I have a headache and need a rest before I continue.
     Anyway, I pushed my alarm back until a little after 8:30 and that's when I knew I had to at least get up because I had a class at 11.  In fact, I felt so down this morning while I was grabbing a few extra minutes of sleep that I was considering skipping at least the first two classes of the day, if not all of them.  I figured I'd at least have to go to the last two since they relate to my major and i REALLY shouldn't skip them.  Not to mention, one of them I really enjoy.  Anyway, as I was lying there, I kept having the thought that I needed to do my scripture study before I left for the day.  I usually get up early in the mornings and do it before I head off to school.  Not only do I start my day off early so I have more time to get stuff done, but it really influences my day.  I know that certain times to study vary by person, but I find I can get it done best in the morning and it's a great start to my day.  Mainly because when I try to do it at night, I often will skip it because I have homework and stuff, or I'm just plain tired.  And ever since Trent left, and I quit one of my two jobs I've tried to make it my priority to do it first thing when I get up.  And I've been pretty diligent at it. Back to the story: I felt like I still needed to do it. But when I finally dragged myself out of bed I went straight to facebook and started fooling around on the internet.  After a few minutes, I realized that I needed to get moving, and I decided to read my scriptures.
       Normally, I'll study for a period of time out of something like Preach my Gospel and then go to reading the scriptures for a few minutes.  But today I decided to just read a couple of chapters out of the Book of Mormon, and i'm currently reading in Third Nephi when Christ appears to the Nephites after his Resurrection.  As I focused on that I just had this feeling of peace come to me, and my sadness went away.  I knew I loved Trent very much, but I needed to keep going as well.  I'm so thankful for the scriptures and the spirit that we get from them.
     So, the next goal was to get ready for the day and make it to class on time.  So I turned on music as I started to get ready.  Now, I must tell you, unless I'm horribly depressed, music really can change my mood. I LOVE music.  Like a lot, and it really helps me to get moving and i like to think about what is said in some songs.  And I specifically picked a song that I knew wouldn't chase off the spirit that I had barely recieved.  So I took a song that is on Carrie Underwood's new CD "Blown Away" called "See you again".  Now I recently found out that she originally wrote this song for the new Chronicles of Narnia movie, but the one that ended up in the movie ended up being chosen instead.  She loved it so much though that she decided to put it on the new album.  And while I understand that it talks about how we'll see our loved ones after we pass on I really wanted to listen to it though, and while it doesn't entirely relate to the whole missionary being gone thing I still like the lyrics and so I played it over and over. Here is a link to the song:

Anyway, as I was listening to it, I knew that Trent hadn't passed away, but he was still gone and I obviously can't communicate with him as much as I would like to.  But I know that if this is meant to be that I'll get to see him again.  And then he can be mine forever. :)

    Well, I headed to school and started going through my day, everything was good. Until I found out that i hadn't passed my Philosophy test.  I really don't know what I'm going to do about that class.  Just buckle down and hope to get a C I suppose.  So, that put a bit of a damper on my day, but whatever.  Well I ran some errands then sat down to eat and look around my facebook and e-mail before my next class.  Well I noticed I had a new e-mail, figuring it was spam I went to go delete it but it was from him!!! I was extatic, I can't even explain how happy I instantly became.  Here's what he said:

Hey Bubbles, 

   I'm going to keep writing you letters because I prefer it that way, but if you want to email me occasionally you can. I would prefer letters though...they mean more to me and they're like and awesome surprise in the middle of the week.  I've actually wrote you one already for this week, but I wanted to let you know I got the tape player and I'll start on that soon.  Also here is my address: 

7243 Shirley Ave apt 27 

Reseda, Ca 91335-3469  

Love your prince Charming, 

Elder Chaney

He totally is my Prince Charming too!!! Oh I love that boy,  He always seems to know when to send me a letter or to remind me how much he loves me.  He's awesome, I totally cannot wait until he comes home and he's mine forever. 

Anyway, the point of this all can be summarized into two main points: 1. Don't forget to always Trust the Lord, and if you put him first and make getting back to him your goal you wont ever be disappointed.   and 2. Find the thing that speaks to you, and can make your cloudy day sunny.  

And lastly, a letter or message from the one you love never hurts to make the day even better. :)

Choosing to be happy, despite everything

I recently had to write an analysis paper for my Ethics and Values class where I took a piece of a writing done by Viktor Frankl where he talked about how we can still find meaning and happiness in our lives despite our situation.  And I was annoyed at my teacher at how he seemed to downplay what Frankl was trying to say by equating it to saying that well even though life sucks we should keep our chin up.  And I disagreed.  I had the opportunity to read his book "Man's Search for Meaning" over the summer. And I will tell you, it is a must read! It's not a novel but there is so much to be learned from this man's experience and how he got through said experience.
        For those of you who don't know, Viktor Frankl lived in Austria/Germany around the time that Hitler came to power and he ended up in the concentration camp Auschwitz  with his family.  During the Holocaust, as many of you probably know it turned into an every man for himself situation.  Yet there were many stories of people who still served others in the camp.  For instance: Corrie Ten Boom and her story the Hiding Place, she talks about that when her and her sister Betsy helped others and served others they were really blessed for what they did.  And they were also able to start to see the good in their situation. For instance: the hut that they were confined into was infested with lice, which actually kept the guards away and the prisoners in that specific hut were generally left alone.  After awhile of trusting God and moving forward, they were able to find that they could hold a Bible study group because they were not going to be disturbed and they had some peace where they could not only help themselves by reading teachings from the Bible, but they were also able bless the other women in the camp as well.
          Going back to the paper, I started it by basically stating that no life is devoid of trials or struggles.  For those of us who are LDS we fundamentally understand that trials are given to us to shape us, stretch us, and teach us things about ourselves that we never could have figured out on our own.  And Frankl really helps us to see that even in a concentration camp, there still could be humanity, service, and a general happiness and meaning in life.  What he says mostly is that it was the attitude of the individual that got them through the harsh environment of the camp.  And those that found some sort of meaning to keep going, were the ones who made it longer than those who gave up.  In fact, he says that you could tell when someone had given up on life, and you knew that it wouldn't be long before they passed away.
          Life is never easy, I've had my own barrage of trials, some things were from choices I've made that have given me consequences I've had to learn from.  Others, just happened.  And some things I've been through I look back and wonder how on earth I made it to where I am now.  It seemed so huge, so insurmountable, and yet I've overcome it.  And in the process, I've learned a multitude of things about myself.  My search for meaning, it's still a process, and it's something that I'm trying to learn how to live and to be happy in the moment, to take the opportunity to see the beauty and the little things around me that make up my world.  Things I enjoy and find beautiful.  In fact, it was one thing that Trent challenged me to do while he was gone.  It was SO EASY to be happy while he was here. And even happier when we were together, but I'm still searching for my true happiness, the happiness that defines me and that is with me no matter where I am in my day or my life.
                     ".....happiness cannot be pursued, it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side                                               effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen....you have to let it happen by not caring about it"
                                                                                          -Viktor Frankl
So, happiness can come, and it generally comes when we don't actively search for it.  Combine that with a reason to be happy, or by influencing our lives with something that can bring that happiness.  The Gospel does that for us, it brings us such understanding and happiness into our day if we choose to let it, and we choose to follow it.   Focusing on the true meaning of life and the actual reason we're here is what will make us happy even when life sucks.
            3 Nephi 13:33  "But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."

One thing

Isn't it amazing how one little thing can turn your day right around. Even if it's at the very end of the day? Well, yesterday I was seriously missing Trent and I have classes until late on Monday/Wednesday. So, I didn't get home until almost 9 at night.  I had been gone literally all day which is typical but it sucks when you don't feel good emotionally.  But I promised myself I'd stop skipping my night class, (actually all my classes, but that one in particular) so I forced myself through it, although I wanted nothing more than to go home and go straight to bed. And do a little bit of crying in the process.
      After what felt like forever I arrived home and was greeted by my awesome roommates.  I still wasn't in the best of moods, that is until Daniela told me there was a surprise on my bed. NOW, that's what we do, when a roommate get's a letter or something important we put it on their beds so I knew what that meant.  I hurried back to my bedroom to find he'd sent me a card. With a cat on it, because I love cats.  He hates them, but he knows how much I like them. Lol.  It was a brief note, but I appreciated it all the same. He wanted to send me something before he left for California so I got a card.  In it he told me how much he missed me but how grateful he was for my love and support and asked me to keep up the constant letters because he really appreciated them. :) Then, there was a section with little notes from members in his M.T.C district including his companion.  Several of them told me I'd meet them at the wedding, and another said he had been dubbed the best man. Lol, Trent already has this worked out.  Looks like I need to get to work on my end.  Anyway, totally made my night and I ended up laughing and smiling instead of crying my heart out.

     Today, I got a forwarded e-mail from his mom, with a picture of the new missionaries to the San Fernando Mission.  I don't know why he doesn't smile, the stinker.  But he's the one in the middle of the back row. Blonde with the glasses. Haha, Love this kid.

                  There was so many things Trent and I did for each other while he was home.  Aside from texting and talking on the phone daily, we also would occasionally send sweet e-mails or pictures to each other.  In fact, we started the picture thing long before we decided to start dating.  He asked me if I would take a picture just for him and send it to him.  So, I did, he in return sent me one.  From there we would occasionally do that for each other.  Sometimes he would just take a picture and send it to me because he could.  I saved every e-mail we exchanged even if it was just a picture. I tend to start missing him near the end of the day and was looking through some things and found this picture.  He just got new glasses (for driving mostly) but he likes them so much he wore them as often as he could while he was out here. The title of the e-mail was "Elder Sexy" haha, he's such a nut. Here it is:

Isn't he so cute? I love this guy. Such a nut.

About Us

I've never considered myself an avid blogger. In fact, I don't know how well I'm going to stay on top of this thing but I figured I'd give it a try. Especially since I really enjoy writing this might be a good way to get a lot of emotions down on paper that aren't exactly directed at my missionary, or at others. :)
     Anyway, about me:
              I'm 21 years old, a native of Utah County Utah, a junior in college and I have two years left in school before I graduate with my Bachelor of Arts Degree. (Well, that's the projected date. I'm supposed to graduate in two years. Crossing my fingers that all plays out. It usually does as we all could probably remember with High School, but still it's the anxiety of the wait to make sure you took all the right classes before they hand you the degree.)  I'm pursuing a career in American Sign Language Interpreting.  It's a tough road, and it's been good, lots of ups and downs but seeing the finish line up ahead makes me all the more willing to finish the degree.  The actual title is 'Deaf Studies' but I usually just say ASL interpreting because most people thing I say "Death studies".  Now while I find forensics and anthropology cool, I'm not into studying death. haha.
            My missionary (Trent) is 24, from South-West Ohio, and he actually joined the LDS Church a little over two years ago.  I'm very proud of him for literally putting his life on hold and going to serve the Lord.  I know serving a mission is a big decision for everyone that is old enough to make.  But for him to go at 24, especially after we started dating really lets me know that he understands his priorities and is willing to do them despite the sacrifice that is included.
            We technically met a little over a year ago when my sister was dating my now brother-in-law Scott. Scott served his mission in Columbus Ohio and while he wasn't one of the missionaries that converted Trent, they did end up meeting right before Scott came home and hit it off really quickly.  They stayed in contact and when Trent was driving semi-trucks across country he one day ended up in Salt Lake City for mechanical issues.  He then decided to contact Scott about having someone to spend time with while he was there and to go to Church with someone he knew as well.  After church Scott drug him over to my families home because my sister Natalie and Scott were inseparable.  So Trent, came along, and was I guess enjoying his time talking with my mom and siblings when I came home.  I was dating someone else at the time, but I remember seeing him as I walked into my parent's front room, and of course wondering who he was because I'd never seen him before.  And I thought he was cute from the get go. Although I felt guilty for thinking that way because I did have a boyfriend.  His experience though was completely different.  And although I believe he exaggerates the story a bit I love hearing him tell it.  According to him, he heard the door open and he looked to see me walk in the room. And he could swear on the bible that when I walked into the room it was like in a movie because there was lights and wind blowing through my hair, and he also swears he could hear angels singing. haha. Needless to say he was smitten, but then he saw my boyfriend and felt a little deflated.  But for the next several minutes while I was there visiting we flirted slightly and we also played the eye contact game where you look at the other person until they look at you then you quickly look away.
          Well we went our separate ways, he went back to his job and I went back to my life.  My boyfriend and I ended things because I was moving back to Provo for school and he was getting ready to leave for a mission and I told him I wasn't going to wait for him because I didn't believe in the idea at the time.  By that time Trent and I had forgotten about each other.  Simply due to the fact I'd gotten off facebook and didn't get back on for several months after we met.  Well, he found me in late January of this year and added me.  Now, I normally don't add people I didn't know, but I justified myself since we had technically met and accepted the friend request.  Then we still didn't do anything, I was busy with school and he wasn't sure how to make a move without freaking me out. Haha. So, it started slow, wishing me a Happy Birthday, liking an occasional post of picture here and there, but it wasn't enough for me to remember who he was, and every time he would do something like that I had to look at his wall and figure out who he was again.  Until about finals week when he got brave and started commenting on my post about trying to get caught up with last minute homework.  He caught my attention then, and I thought he was super nice.
             A few days later I was getting ready to go to school to take a final, and he messaged me through facebook saying that he had a train ride ahead of him and he had nothing to do, then he suggested I should text him and gave me his number.  I was in a good mood so I complied and texted him back really quickly.  Needless to say, the rest is history.  We started exchanging texts and occasionally talked on the phone. We also seriously started facebook stalking each other. And when we would talk on the phone I would giggle like a silly school girl which landed me the nickname "Bubbles".  After a few weeks of this our conversations turned more serious when we shared with each other key moments from our past that have seriously affected our lives.  I honestly believe that was the night we started to fall for each other.  And a week later we finally admitted our feelings. He flew out to visit me in June and that's when we officially started dating.
            When I was with him, and everytime I was with him after that, it just felt natural, holding hands, cuddling, kissing. There was no awkwardness from doing those things with him.  And he treated me the way I truly deserved to be treated.  He even sent me flowers soon after coming home from that first visit. Making him the first guy I have ever dated to do that.  I'm a hopeless romantic so that gave him HUGE brownie points in my book.  Near the end of July he paid for a plane ticket to fly me out to Ohio, and I arrived there right as his mission call did, so I had the opportunity to be there with him when he opened it.  He even took me to Kirtland which was a 4 hour drive to the North, but he did it because I had never been there.  We also had the opportunity to spend the last few days before he left together and I wouldn't trade those days for anything.
             Needless to say, he makes me happy, and I love him more than anything.  We feel it might work out for us. In fact, we feel very strongly that it will.  But I'm still allowing my Heavenly Father to lead me where I need to go and if it's not with him well, I'll be really sad, but I'll know that it'll be for the best.  He's been gone for three weeks and I miss him terribly.  I'm not interested in dating currently, that might change in awhile but I don't know.  I know that it'll get easier with time.  Especially if I stay busy.  And with two years of school left along with several levels of Interpreters Certification to go through, I'll definitely be able to do that.  Two years feels like it'll be forever, but I'm confident that it'll be a good two years for both of us and we'll both be able to learn a lot.  I just pray that I can be what he deserves to have when I get back.

SO! That's our story.  Well, the readers digest version that is.  I might update with more detailed stories in the future.  But that's us, and I'm excited to see where I go and who I can become while he's off serving the Lord. :)